This last month has been challenging, but especially this last week.

At the end of July my PapPap passed away from liver cancer.  I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye and that it had been over a year since I last saw him.  I hate that I didn’t call or write more often and took for granted that he’d be there.  I lost my Pappy when I was in second grade and now neither of my grandfathers will see me get married or meet any kids that William and I may have one day.  I hate that I took PapPap for granted and didn’t do more to let him know how much he meant to me.

A week ago Monday I learned that my part-time position is becoming full-time, but I am need to reapply for it, and it won’t be full-time for several months.  In the meantime, I am still working part-time, but trying to make over 40 hours of work a week squeeze into 19.5 hours a week.  I feel like I’ve let people down by not being able to accomplish as much as we had hoped, but being part-time and having meetings makes getting everything done a challenge.  It’s also challenging to begin looking for other openings around town when there isn’t a great job market locally.  It feels like the only jobs are for people with high school diplomas or that are nurses or mechanics or in manufacturing-plant jobs.  I am applying for everything I am remotely qualified for, but feel discouraged and that I am letting my family down by not being able to financially provide more.  In my mind to make up for it I try to do as much as possible around the house, but I still don’t feel like an equal partner and that makes me both sad and frustrated.  Please pray for me that an opportunity works out soon where I can begin contributing more financially.  I was really counting on this position becoming full-time so that I could help contribute more – especially with all of our wedding finances adding up and the holiday season quickly approaching.  This stumbling block means that we will not be able to head home to either family for Christmas this year, nor get a new AWD vehicle for the upcoming winter.  It’s just a really, really frustrating place for me to be in, as I have been applying for full-time positions here since last September and have only had 3 interviews.  I know everything will work out, and that I should be grateful for the amazing year we’ve been able to have thus far, but it is still really disappointing and above all frustrating that as a college-educated woman with great experience that my job search is so barren.

To top this month off, on Friday my sweet angel of a westie, Madeline Virginia, passed away from the same cancer that took PapPap.  Liver cancer has been a bitch to my family this year.  I am so incredibly grateful for the fifteen years of love we were able to have with Maddie and I miss her terribly.  I am thankful I was able to say goodbye to her at the beginning of August and get some extra snuggles in from a dog who was not a cuddler.  I’m glad Mavis got to meet Maddie and that they enjoyed playing together in the backyard until Maddie got too tired.  I’m glad I got to take her on one last walk and see her try her best to make her short little legs keep up with Mavis’ longer ones.  She was a well-loved, well-traveled friend and I have never been more thankful that my brother took some of his senior pictures with her and that we each have a framed picture of our sweet girl.

I guess the bright side is that both PapPap and Maddie are no longer suffering and can spend time hanging out in heaven together.  They always did have a special bond.

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